Dreams, I have found, are a lot like rainbows; if you look at them straight on with your full attention, they dissappear. Dreams are ghosts of the waking world, lurking in the corner of your field of vision. You can see them if you don't see them. Well, that's how I see them anyway.
Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked. But that was a pretty good introduction I think. Yeah I don't plan this stuff, it comes out as it will.
I didn't plan on going back to sleep. It was noon. My husband had gone to work and the in laws had talking our son to their house for the day. This is my day to rest, recharge, and do some work if I can be bothered. Getting up is really hard for me, not like the normal hard which a shower and some coffee will cure, but the hard that you have when you are ill and you have no option but to give in to sleep. Sleep is a hand forcing you back into bed saying 'yeah I don't think so buddy, back to sleep you go, there's a good human...' Yeah, that's me every morning (so aptly named Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). Anyway, sorry, this isn't a piece about my health and stuff, but the health thing is relevant because the term 'drowning in sleep' (which I came up with I think) happens a lot to those with my condition. Our bodies FORCE us to go back to sleep, we have no say in the matter, it's not an option, our waking brains just fail to boot. And when you are forcing it to boot, it's as useless as firing up that old 1968 Vista Cruiser in the middle of a harsh winter.
The result of this is the battle between the waking and dreaming mind. And by god it's a freaky, scary ride...
I didn't plan on going back to sleep. It was noon. I had opened the mail, evidenced by it being strewned all over my bed. I had kissed my husband and son goodbye, I had eaten my breakfast my husband had brought up, and I thought I was on the road to getting up. But then a mad headache decided to take a dance across my eyes, sending my head back into the pillows. Isn't it amazing how you are never aware of when you actually fall asleep? I've attempted to be aware of this, but that effort results in the opposite outcome - it keeps you away from sleep. Sleep, like dreams, cannot be seen with your full attention. It lurks with the dream ghosts, and pounces upon you once you let your guard down and is certain you cannot see it, as your eyes are closed. Maybe sleep is actually the ghosts of the dreams from the previous night...
I didn't plan on going back to sleep, so I forced my eyes open. I was in the treasure room of the Gnome King from that film, Return to Oz. Ok, I know how this scene goes - find the green objects and yell OZ! and then the helpful friends of Dorothy turn up and help me out. Cool. So I grab a long diamond shape thing and yell OZ! and in the corner a woman appears wearing a gorgeous long green velvet dress and cloak. It's me. I go to a mirror, and remember thinking hang on, I should be a dude, and before my eyes I turn into a dude. But the mirror is a cupboard. I open it and it's filled with a plethora of cool little orniments, all behind glass.
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. I throw the covers back...and look down at my legs, only to see that my female parts are slowly changing into male parts! So I did what every woman would probably do. I ran to the window to see my husband closing the drive gates, about to leave. I opened the window and yelled at him to get his ass in the house as something real freaky was going on with me. I ran downstairs and opened the front door and eventually he turned up. I showed him my now fully transformed private parts. He looked and said 'yeah sorry I'm really late for work' and ran off! It was at that point that I realised I was not in fact awake...
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. I turned over to see my son stood by my bed, eating a pack of cheese and onion crisps whilst laughing at me. I got up, surprised to see him, as he was meant to be at nans. I thought that maybe they were still here and hadn't taken him to their house yet. I got up and we sat on the stairs, him still eating the crisps and me, aware that reality and dream were getting muddled, stroking his hair and resting my head against his. Yep, they all feel real. I don't have a penis anymore, so that's normal too. Hang on, we don't have any cheese and onion crisps in the house, and I would never give my son any...I go to eat some, and they are too big to get in my mouth. Crap. It was at that point that I realised I was not in fact awake...
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. Ooo this is a good song...Evanescence I think...erm, where the hell is that music coming from? I jump out of bed and see a small headphone led within my duvet, plugged into nothing but air, but happily blasting out Amy Lees' melodies. Fuck! I'M STILL A FUCKING SLEEP! I scream at the ear phone and then eat it. It tastes like cheese and onion crisps. I know I need to wake up, and that fear and pain wakes you up. To the mirror I go, and I punch and slap it, looking into my own frantic eyes as I scream WAKE THE FUCK UP whilst pounding against the unforgiving glass, it's
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. But I know I've been here before, and sleep is going to devour me again. I can see that fucker in the corner of my eye, holding his huge bag of sleep filled with Dream 's dust, his evil FUCKING smile as he waits, just waits, for me to close my eyes so he can pounce and smoother me. NOT AGAIN YOU FUCKER! I throw the duvet back, move my legs to see their sweaty outline imprinted onto my mattress. Ok, no bed, no sleep! I get my sweaty ass out of the bed and stand there, shivering, waiting for the next crazy ass shit to happen. Nothing happens. I look at the clock. It's 1220pm. Yep that makes sense.
Shit, did I get out?
Is this real?
And this has been my mindset for the last hour. I'm using the logic that the dream scenes did not last for an hour to help me believe that this is the waking realm; that, and everything seems as it should be. And nope, I still don't have that penis back. A little bit of me is sad about that...I always wanted to know what it was like to pee out of one of them...
So yeah, that's what a battle between my waking and dream mind looks like. This shit has happened to me god knows how many times. I think Freud would either want to marry me or commit me (either way, imprison me).
Many people have said with great envy ' Wow, I would love to dream every night and to be able to recall them in detail the next day!' Yeah, I'm sure you would. Try having nightmares for hours and being unable to excape them BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE ASLEEP OR AWAKE! The professionals have called what I can do (manipulate my dreams whilst being in them) Lucid Dreaming.
Me, I call myself a Dream Warrior. After all, I learnt all this shit from watching the Freddy Kruger films from the age of ten! PARENTS, DON'T LET YOUR KIDS WATCH HORROR FILMS! IT REALLY DOES FUCK THEM UP!
Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked. But that was a pretty good introduction I think. Yeah I don't plan this stuff, it comes out as it will.
I didn't plan on going back to sleep. It was noon. My husband had gone to work and the in laws had talking our son to their house for the day. This is my day to rest, recharge, and do some work if I can be bothered. Getting up is really hard for me, not like the normal hard which a shower and some coffee will cure, but the hard that you have when you are ill and you have no option but to give in to sleep. Sleep is a hand forcing you back into bed saying 'yeah I don't think so buddy, back to sleep you go, there's a good human...' Yeah, that's me every morning (so aptly named Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). Anyway, sorry, this isn't a piece about my health and stuff, but the health thing is relevant because the term 'drowning in sleep' (which I came up with I think) happens a lot to those with my condition. Our bodies FORCE us to go back to sleep, we have no say in the matter, it's not an option, our waking brains just fail to boot. And when you are forcing it to boot, it's as useless as firing up that old 1968 Vista Cruiser in the middle of a harsh winter.
The result of this is the battle between the waking and dreaming mind. And by god it's a freaky, scary ride...
I didn't plan on going back to sleep. It was noon. I had opened the mail, evidenced by it being strewned all over my bed. I had kissed my husband and son goodbye, I had eaten my breakfast my husband had brought up, and I thought I was on the road to getting up. But then a mad headache decided to take a dance across my eyes, sending my head back into the pillows. Isn't it amazing how you are never aware of when you actually fall asleep? I've attempted to be aware of this, but that effort results in the opposite outcome - it keeps you away from sleep. Sleep, like dreams, cannot be seen with your full attention. It lurks with the dream ghosts, and pounces upon you once you let your guard down and is certain you cannot see it, as your eyes are closed. Maybe sleep is actually the ghosts of the dreams from the previous night...
I didn't plan on going back to sleep, so I forced my eyes open. I was in the treasure room of the Gnome King from that film, Return to Oz. Ok, I know how this scene goes - find the green objects and yell OZ! and then the helpful friends of Dorothy turn up and help me out. Cool. So I grab a long diamond shape thing and yell OZ! and in the corner a woman appears wearing a gorgeous long green velvet dress and cloak. It's me. I go to a mirror, and remember thinking hang on, I should be a dude, and before my eyes I turn into a dude. But the mirror is a cupboard. I open it and it's filled with a plethora of cool little orniments, all behind glass.
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. I throw the covers back...and look down at my legs, only to see that my female parts are slowly changing into male parts! So I did what every woman would probably do. I ran to the window to see my husband closing the drive gates, about to leave. I opened the window and yelled at him to get his ass in the house as something real freaky was going on with me. I ran downstairs and opened the front door and eventually he turned up. I showed him my now fully transformed private parts. He looked and said 'yeah sorry I'm really late for work' and ran off! It was at that point that I realised I was not in fact awake...
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. I turned over to see my son stood by my bed, eating a pack of cheese and onion crisps whilst laughing at me. I got up, surprised to see him, as he was meant to be at nans. I thought that maybe they were still here and hadn't taken him to their house yet. I got up and we sat on the stairs, him still eating the crisps and me, aware that reality and dream were getting muddled, stroking his hair and resting my head against his. Yep, they all feel real. I don't have a penis anymore, so that's normal too. Hang on, we don't have any cheese and onion crisps in the house, and I would never give my son any...I go to eat some, and they are too big to get in my mouth. Crap. It was at that point that I realised I was not in fact awake...
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. Ooo this is a good song...Evanescence I think...erm, where the hell is that music coming from? I jump out of bed and see a small headphone led within my duvet, plugged into nothing but air, but happily blasting out Amy Lees' melodies. Fuck! I'M STILL A FUCKING SLEEP! I scream at the ear phone and then eat it. It tastes like cheese and onion crisps. I know I need to wake up, and that fear and pain wakes you up. To the mirror I go, and I punch and slap it, looking into my own frantic eyes as I scream WAKE THE FUCK UP whilst pounding against the unforgiving glass, it's
No, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP! I force my eyes open, and I'm back in my bed, with everything looking just how I left it - -mail on the bed, breakfast eaten - good. But I know I've been here before, and sleep is going to devour me again. I can see that fucker in the corner of my eye, holding his huge bag of sleep filled with Dream 's dust, his evil FUCKING smile as he waits, just waits, for me to close my eyes so he can pounce and smoother me. NOT AGAIN YOU FUCKER! I throw the duvet back, move my legs to see their sweaty outline imprinted onto my mattress. Ok, no bed, no sleep! I get my sweaty ass out of the bed and stand there, shivering, waiting for the next crazy ass shit to happen. Nothing happens. I look at the clock. It's 1220pm. Yep that makes sense.
Shit, did I get out?
Is this real?
And this has been my mindset for the last hour. I'm using the logic that the dream scenes did not last for an hour to help me believe that this is the waking realm; that, and everything seems as it should be. And nope, I still don't have that penis back. A little bit of me is sad about that...I always wanted to know what it was like to pee out of one of them...
So yeah, that's what a battle between my waking and dream mind looks like. This shit has happened to me god knows how many times. I think Freud would either want to marry me or commit me (either way, imprison me).
Many people have said with great envy ' Wow, I would love to dream every night and to be able to recall them in detail the next day!' Yeah, I'm sure you would. Try having nightmares for hours and being unable to excape them BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE ASLEEP OR AWAKE! The professionals have called what I can do (manipulate my dreams whilst being in them) Lucid Dreaming.
Me, I call myself a Dream Warrior. After all, I learnt all this shit from watching the Freddy Kruger films from the age of ten! PARENTS, DON'T LET YOUR KIDS WATCH HORROR FILMS! IT REALLY DOES FUCK THEM UP!
